1 here, 2 on the way

Babies are such treasures...

I wish you could've physically met and been around for your grandchildren...

Chloe is turning into such a funny little girl.

She love her bags (this one of yours is her favorite!)

Jamie is due with Taylor at any moment now...

Please, if you can, help her & Nick through the delivery.

I know you will be there with them!

And we're happy with our #2 on the way, due to arrive January 13th or so.

I told Mrs. M. the other day that if anyone doubts that you had anything to do with me being pregnant both times with babies due around your favorite time of the year - they didn't know you at all! And if things work out that I have this one early too - we will surely be having a Christmas baby this time...

How you would've loved this!!!

Thanks Mom (I know you are enjoying it from where you are)!

Something Wonderful Found...

Today I found something wonderful!!!!

Something totally unexpected...

It all started yesterday...

I was so sick of seeing our garage piled up with the stuff from 4 maternal people's houses sitting there in bins, waiting to be put into a new place or given away to someone that could actually enjoy them...

Something kept nagging at me to get started to go through this stuff - stop putting other stuff first... and being my birthday yesterday - why not? It's like my new years...

The above picture is what it looked like before I got started...

After dropping Chloe off at school and running errands, I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon and today in the garage, going through stuff to donate, stuff to go through with my family, and stuff to put into the house.

The very last box today was a box of items that are my brother Nick's.

I took a quick look inside, and noticed that there were some old school projects, report cards and so on from not just Nick, but things from my sister, myself and my mom...

I didn't get very far into looking into it because I happened to flip through, and glance at this progression of pictures...

Immediately seeing the last one I burst into uncontrollable tears of happiness...

This was taken in October, 1986:

The top left says: Nicholas Adam Yarrusso: 4 years old

These are the hands of my little brother...

He is now almost 27 years old.

Yes, these are from a photocopier...

My brother is such a goofball...

He has always been...

Very cute giving the peace sign...

And hands in prayer...

Wow - what a cute kid!

But then I realized - he wasn't alone...

Mom was there with him...

This is my mom's hand...

Her hand that I knew so well...

Her hand that I used to hold...

Her hand that used to keep me safe...

Her hand that would comfort me...

Her hand that did SO much (she was right handed)...

Her hand that I would hold onto and tell her it was going to be okay...

I have a picture of my mom's hand...

...my mom's hand!

My heart is healed so much more right now...

And thank you Joan T...

You were right - I do have more within me that connects me to my mom that nobody can take away...

Thank you for reminding me of that...

I think it helped push me to go through some of that stuff in the garage...

Helped me start to clear my mind a bit...

And to reach yet another level of being...

Thank you mom for being so goofy with Nick too!

Dave and I were giggling at the idea of you standing there with him, having him put his hands on the copier and doing different stuff with them...

Thank you for giving us your hand again - especially now when we are all needing it most!

Thanks Mom (and Dad too!)

Today is my birthday...

Thank you mom for spending the day in labor...

Then welcoming me into the world around 2:15pm.

I remember being proud growing up bragging that you had me "naturally"...

And with Teren before me, and Nick after - you "used drugs" during their labor...

I always thought that made me more special for some reason (one of those things kids think).

Then when I had to be induced to have Chloe, and said yes to the Epidural...

Somewhat thinking - I must not be as strong as you were...

And without you there, I couldn't compare notes...

But then Dad stepped in after it was all done and told me about the day I was born...

How you were strong and were doing great with the labor...

And that by the time you were into full labor,

You had told them (yelling of course) you wanted the Epidural too...

But it was too late, and you had no choice - I was to be born natural...

So thank goodness for Dad being there too that day!

On both my birthday and the birth of Chloe...

Like all good Dads - they make you feel better when you don't even really ask - they just know!

Thank you both for deciding to have me...

Thank you both for being involved with my life...

Thank you for living your lives and letting me know it is okay to make mistakes,

and to try to make things right again, no matter how much time goes by...

To be forgiving...

To be loving...

To be proud...

To be caring...

To be happy...

To be the best person you know how to be...

Thank you!

If You Give A Mom A Chloe... a book from Dave...

I had never heard of this book until about two weeks ago:

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie by Laura Numeroff

Dave and I had taken Chloe to Borders so I could load up on some books & magazines to help jump some inspiration for me, and he had this book in his mind to find for Chloe.

After we got home, we got a bath, into our pajamas and ready for bed...

Instead of heading into Chloe's room, we sat on the couch - all three of us together...

Chloe on my lap and the book on Dave's as he read it to us.

We ended up reading all three stories, and really - I think it was one of the most memorable nights so far that we have spent as a small family unit.

We try to spend our time with Chloe - together - not so much in "shifts" as we find sometimes works out happening when we tend to get a little busy...

With this mother's day being my 2nd one without my mom - and me having a really rough time recently - I told Dave "make sure you make me feel extra special this year". Not that I would have to tell him - but it's more of the - by the way - I'm really feeling crappy, please help...

So he came up with the idea of taking some pictures of Chloe and me from just before her birth through now, and made a picture book for me for mother's day and called "If You Give A Mom A Chloe".

He is such an Awesome Husband/Dad/Person...

I quick snapped this picture of the cover with my photobooth, and can't quite figure out how to "flip" the image. And I apologize about the glare... but you get the idea...

I think I've looked through it a dozen times - and really appreciate all the work he put into it with all the phrases below the pictures...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!!!

I did...

Bite your tongue...

I'm really trying to not say anything...

I know some stuff - through the proverbial grapevine...

And I'm happy but annoyed at it.

I'm relieved but hurt.

And sometimes I just don't care, except for the fact that a lot of my mom's stuff - including the memory of her as she was before she became ill, remains in that house.

I know that I should keep my mouth shut, because it's not my business anymore...

But it is so hard.

It's hard because I know how my mom would react - growing up with her - I know how she reacted to stuff before it even happened (which is why I was "the good kid". I just knew better than to get caught...). Because the wrath of Pattie could touch that womanly psycho place...

And the way my sister reacts is pretty much channeling the way mom would react. Which is why I haven't told her of the grapevine news. It's not my news - it's not my business.

It's just a shame that items that belonged to my mother - stuff that we had through our life with her...

as men came and went...

as we moved from house to house...

the things that were hers - hers from her hard work - hers as gifts from our family - through our life with her.

Things that hold memories of my mother...

They are where she left them - not where she would want them - I guarantee it. Not the way she reacted to things in her life - in HER life before... that would take away from her and her children. Never would she want them there...

I'm going to say it... She would never want another woman (even though I have nothing against another woman - it's just the thought - not the person) to have her stuff. She would want her children to have it... Such a shame... such a shame...

And even more to be getting married on mother's day - through the grapevine... that's such a blow to my heart - on my mother's day - the day that was always special to us with out mother. And will always be remembered for this new "event". I hope to ignore it and erase it from memory.

I wonder if I'll ever have a good mother's day in my lifetime. Not without my mother... Never had a mother's day for me with my mom. She was sick and dying when I was pregnant with Chloe on her last mother's day. And now to have this on top of it. I just can't believe it. Such a shame... sometimes you wonder if people even consider other's feelings.

I sometimes don't even want any of the stuff from my mother anymore because it is so tainted now. It's such a shame... such ugly feelings...

No longer involved - no longer care - don't need such cloudy bad feeling to eat away at me through the living...

There I've said it... I know I should keep my mouth shut - but I just had to get it out...

Sorry if people are offended - but I'm done with it and just don't care anymore, because obviously I'm not cared about and neither are my sister or brother. We are no longer family except to each other. We stick together - that's what mom taught us, and that's how we're staying (no matter how crazy we make each other...).

I love and miss you mom, and I'm sorry...

Garden Flowers and Coffee with Cinnamon

Every day I try to spend a little time outside in my garden.

Even if it is just for picking some weeds or trying to keep tree seeds from making my garden a wooded area (that's to be had one day - but not while I'm here if I can help it).

And I usually have my camera and coffee with me...

I can't exactly remember what lilly this is, but it is a perennial and they bloom in August here in my Delaware garden.

And to tell you the truth, I'm more attracted to the curls of the after flower than the bloom itself.

I got a bunch of seeds from these too - and I'm not sure if they will grow or not (Jenny, you'll have to keep me posted!)

One of my mom's favorite things was her garden.

She always had Impatients in the front beds growing up and didn't mind us touching the springy seed pods. If you've never done that - make sure to give it a try - the really full ones, about to burst on their own anyway...

Delightful for those of us easily amused...

My mom always had her coffee with her - Cafe Vienna (instant coffee).

We were pros at making it just right for her!

She eventually got into drinking some regular coffee, but it usually was the Christmas or Holiday Blend.

My sister Teren clued me into the way to make some at home: just add some ground nutmeg and cinnamon to your grinds while brewing. And - YUM!!!

So if your and your coffee need a little pick-me-up:

sprinkle some cinnamon & ground nutmeg into your coffee...

and go look at some plants.

Makes me think I should create another blog with images of flowers for enjoyment all year...

Feeling Alone Again...

Recently I've found that I am getting quite angry and upset...

A bit more often than I would like to admit.

I find I'm in a vicious cycle with myself and even with people that don't even know they are a target of my darkening heart.

And I have come to the conclusion that no matter what...

Nobody will ever be able to fill my mom's shoes...

I will never feel as special to someone else as I did when my mom would tell me how proud of me she was.

Never feel as important to someone as when my mom and I would share moments, dreams, jokes, stories, and time together.

Never feel okay to feel bad and cry as I could with my mom when I was upset.

Even if I never told her why...

Her arms around me holding tight,

kissing my forehead,

rubbing my back,

telling me it would all be okay...

Never to be had again.

I am not looking for a replacement mom.

My mom is physically gone.

I keep looking for her within others, but she is not there.

And this is where my self forming anger is coming from...

From my disappointment in the lack of her presence in those around me.

For the simple reason that without her here - even surrounded by family and friends...

I just feel alone.

Don't get me wrong, there are glimpses of her...

But she is not here...

And it is not up to others to make my life easier - it is up to me.

So I need to try to give others a break and be a little less toxic at times.

Even if you try (and please don't give up trying) to make me feel better,

Just know that it is going to take me a bit to work through this...

I think this must be how anyone with a loving mom must feel when mom is gone.

Mom would tell me that it is okay to feel like this...

I just don't know when it is going to go away...