Saturday, April 18, 2009

Feeling Alone Again...

Recently I've found that I am getting quite angry and upset...
A bit more often than I would like to admit.

I find I'm in a vicious cycle with myself and even with people that don't even know they are a target of my darkening heart.

And I have come to the conclusion that no matter what...
Nobody will ever be able to fill my mom's shoes...

I will never feel as special to someone else as I did when my mom would tell me how proud of me she was.

Never feel as important to someone as when my mom and I would share moments, dreams, jokes, stories, and time together.

Never feel okay to feel bad and cry as I could with my mom when I was upset.
Even if I never told her why...
Her arms around me holding tight,
kissing my forehead,
rubbing my back,
telling me it would all be okay...

Never to be had again.

I am not looking for a replacement mom.
My mom is physically gone.

I keep looking for her within others, but she is not there.

And this is where my self forming anger is coming from...
From my disappointment in the lack of her presence in those around me.
For the simple reason that without her here - even surrounded by family and friends...
I just feel alone.

Don't get me wrong, there are glimpses of her...
But she is not here...

And it is not up to others to make my life easier - it is up to me.
So I need to try to give others a break and be a little less toxic at times.
Even if you try (and please don't give up trying) to make me feel better,
Just know that it is going to take me a bit to work through this...

I think this must be how anyone with a loving mom must feel when mom is gone.

Mom would tell me that it is okay to feel like this...
I just don't know when it is going to go away...

2 comments:

Isabel said...

Dear Marsha,

The photos of your garden, your jewelry, and your beautiful little girl on your other blogs are just lovely. May you always pursuit your dreams and enjoy nature and those you love with full intensity. And then I arrived here and I was deeply touched by the feel of you SO MUCH as daughter, as you should be.
I am sure your mother is watching over you and your siblings, and she is present in everything that surrounds you, and most of all -she will ALWAYS live IN YOU. We are after all our mothers' daughters, FOREVER.
Still having my mom around, I can only imagine your pain. Your words however are very expressive of your loss. The only thing I can tell you is that you can still talk to her in the garden, or can still talk about her to your little girl, and you can still definitely honor your mother through the mother you now are. That I am sure. And she would want you to be happy, to let go of things you can't control and focus on those that can bring you happiness. After all the love of a mother is immortal, and we the daughters are the ones who can make it so by honoring the women they were in the people we become.

A surrogate hug,

Isabel

Marsha Neal Studio said...

Thank you Isabel... I feel your hug through your words - and really appreciate it! I will keep them with me - THANK YOU!!!