Bite your tongue...

I'm really trying to not say anything...

I know some stuff - through the proverbial grapevine...

And I'm happy but annoyed at it.

I'm relieved but hurt.

And sometimes I just don't care, except for the fact that a lot of my mom's stuff - including the memory of her as she was before she became ill, remains in that house.

I know that I should keep my mouth shut, because it's not my business anymore...

But it is so hard.

It's hard because I know how my mom would react - growing up with her - I know how she reacted to stuff before it even happened (which is why I was "the good kid". I just knew better than to get caught...). Because the wrath of Pattie could touch that womanly psycho place...

And the way my sister reacts is pretty much channeling the way mom would react. Which is why I haven't told her of the grapevine news. It's not my news - it's not my business.

It's just a shame that items that belonged to my mother - stuff that we had through our life with her...

as men came and went...

as we moved from house to house...

the things that were hers - hers from her hard work - hers as gifts from our family - through our life with her.

Things that hold memories of my mother...

They are where she left them - not where she would want them - I guarantee it. Not the way she reacted to things in her life - in HER life before... that would take away from her and her children. Never would she want them there...

I'm going to say it... She would never want another woman (even though I have nothing against another woman - it's just the thought - not the person) to have her stuff. She would want her children to have it... Such a shame... such a shame...

And even more to be getting married on mother's day - through the grapevine... that's such a blow to my heart - on my mother's day - the day that was always special to us with out mother. And will always be remembered for this new "event". I hope to ignore it and erase it from memory.

I wonder if I'll ever have a good mother's day in my lifetime. Not without my mother... Never had a mother's day for me with my mom. She was sick and dying when I was pregnant with Chloe on her last mother's day. And now to have this on top of it. I just can't believe it. Such a shame... sometimes you wonder if people even consider other's feelings.

I sometimes don't even want any of the stuff from my mother anymore because it is so tainted now. It's such a shame... such ugly feelings...

No longer involved - no longer care - don't need such cloudy bad feeling to eat away at me through the living...

There I've said it... I know I should keep my mouth shut - but I just had to get it out...

Sorry if people are offended - but I'm done with it and just don't care anymore, because obviously I'm not cared about and neither are my sister or brother. We are no longer family except to each other. We stick together - that's what mom taught us, and that's how we're staying (no matter how crazy we make each other...).

I love and miss you mom, and I'm sorry...