Garden Flowers and Coffee with Cinnamon

Every day I try to spend a little time outside in my garden.

Even if it is just for picking some weeds or trying to keep tree seeds from making my garden a wooded area (that's to be had one day - but not while I'm here if I can help it).

And I usually have my camera and coffee with me...

I can't exactly remember what lilly this is, but it is a perennial and they bloom in August here in my Delaware garden.

And to tell you the truth, I'm more attracted to the curls of the after flower than the bloom itself.

I got a bunch of seeds from these too - and I'm not sure if they will grow or not (Jenny, you'll have to keep me posted!)

One of my mom's favorite things was her garden.

She always had Impatients in the front beds growing up and didn't mind us touching the springy seed pods. If you've never done that - make sure to give it a try - the really full ones, about to burst on their own anyway...

Delightful for those of us easily amused...

My mom always had her coffee with her - Cafe Vienna (instant coffee).

We were pros at making it just right for her!

She eventually got into drinking some regular coffee, but it usually was the Christmas or Holiday Blend.

My sister Teren clued me into the way to make some at home: just add some ground nutmeg and cinnamon to your grinds while brewing. And - YUM!!!

So if your and your coffee need a little pick-me-up:

sprinkle some cinnamon & ground nutmeg into your coffee...

and go look at some plants.

Makes me think I should create another blog with images of flowers for enjoyment all year...

Feeling Alone Again...

Recently I've found that I am getting quite angry and upset...

A bit more often than I would like to admit.

I find I'm in a vicious cycle with myself and even with people that don't even know they are a target of my darkening heart.

And I have come to the conclusion that no matter what...

Nobody will ever be able to fill my mom's shoes...

I will never feel as special to someone else as I did when my mom would tell me how proud of me she was.

Never feel as important to someone as when my mom and I would share moments, dreams, jokes, stories, and time together.

Never feel okay to feel bad and cry as I could with my mom when I was upset.

Even if I never told her why...

Her arms around me holding tight,

kissing my forehead,

rubbing my back,

telling me it would all be okay...

Never to be had again.

I am not looking for a replacement mom.

My mom is physically gone.

I keep looking for her within others, but she is not there.

And this is where my self forming anger is coming from...

From my disappointment in the lack of her presence in those around me.

For the simple reason that without her here - even surrounded by family and friends...

I just feel alone.

Don't get me wrong, there are glimpses of her...

But she is not here...

And it is not up to others to make my life easier - it is up to me.

So I need to try to give others a break and be a little less toxic at times.

Even if you try (and please don't give up trying) to make me feel better,

Just know that it is going to take me a bit to work through this...

I think this must be how anyone with a loving mom must feel when mom is gone.

Mom would tell me that it is okay to feel like this...

I just don't know when it is going to go away...