Sunday, September 13, 2009

Ways of Healing

This weekend started out pretty rough...
I think Friday was the hardest day to get through.
It being the day that the decision had been made...

Remembering how horrible that felt... to find out that it was going to be your time to go...
That your body was done fighting, that it could take no more, and was shutting down...
It was almost as if that decision had to be made again - to live through it again...

The next day, not quite as bad because things had started to settle in a bit...
It was either acceptance in a way, or it was my brain going numb...

To be with you when you passed - was in a way - one of the most amazing things to have witnessed in my life.

One of the saddest moments by far...
But also, one of the most peaceful moments of my life...

When you were still on the respirator,
To see your body transform from frigid cold,
Because your body was focused on keeping the main organs working.

To when they removed the artificial life support...
And to see the color come back to you - as if you were Snow White in a deep sleep...
Your skin warmed...
The color returned to your cheeks and lips...
And your breathing was your own again...
For two hours you remained on your own...

I think you may have finally heard Uncle Fred tell you it was ok to go...
He was always on your side, and I know you trusted him above all others...

And when all but your kids had left the room to take a break...
Not knowing how long it may take for you to go...

When you realized that Teren, Nick and I (Jamie too) were sitting there with you,
As if we were sitting around after a family dinner,
Just talking about old times and laughing like we always did at your house...
That you knew we would be ok,
Because we were there together,
For one another...
As you raised us to be - to stick together no matter what the odds,
And to take care of each other as we always have done,
Through so many difficult times.

You tried to slip past when we were mid conversation, unnoticed.
But I was watching your every breath...
I saw it slow...
I knew what was happening...
I knew you that it was your time to move on...

And even though I was sad thinking about life without you,
And that anticipation that you were really going to go...

I knew that it was the right time - your time...
I felt a peace and calm in my heart the moment you took your last breath and you were no longer connected to your physical self...

I think that being open and accepting of what was upon us all at that moment allowed me to feel that overwhelming sense of peace.

And to have known that sense of peace makes me think that passing from this life to the next is not to be feared.
But deep down, the fear of death is really about how you get to that point of passing...
And the hurt of the ones you leave behind...

I would have rather have lost you as we did than to see you suffer, and suffer...
Because now I know you are with us in a new way, a stronger way...

And on Saturday night,
The two year anniversary of your passing,
Teren, Nick and I were together again,
This time with two of your grand children + one on the way,
And Dave and Jamie...
We all sat around and laughed at stories the others had to tell,
And at new memories to be had (Chloe loves to be silly and dance with Aunt Teren)...
And we were all healed by our being together, and our laughter, just a little bit more...

Thank you for your guidance mom...
If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
And laughing along with others is so much better than being grumpy about a situation that you have no control over...

You are missed every day...

3 comments:

mairedodd said...

xo

Lisa F said...

very beautifully written - as a daughter whose mom is ill, I found comfort in your words - hugs

Lisa said...

Hi Marsha,
Thank you for your willingness to share something so personal.
I imagine your mother was an amazing individual, you are blessed to keep her so near to you in spirit.

Lisa