Would Be Birthday...

Today is the day back in 1953 that my mom was born…
She would have been 58, and we would be celebrating with a party this weekend over the Labor Day holiday…

My sister and I will get together tonight and make my mom's best Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes…
My brother will of course say - just like when he was little:
Meatloaf again? Why always Meatloaf?

Guess he doesn't like it as much as we do :)

We'll run around like crazy people chasing after Chloe & Riley like normal.
Maybe we'll make a cake in her memory.

If we did it up right - we would be working on pumpkin muffins soon…

Will have to post about the events once they actually happen.

For now, thoughts of her arise…
Darn - I was ok until I started typing this…
Tears will come if I slow down enough to really think about it all.

Happy would have been birthday mom…
Miss you so very much every day!

Mother's Day This Year...

To celebrate Mothers Day this year, I went with Chloe to school where we spent the morning together doing activities together that she usually does with her teachers and friends. 

I could tell that she was as delighted to have me there as I was to be there with her!

I really love all these little moments and try to remember them when I get full on stressed out with my poor time management. One thing I have been trying to focus on is spending time with Dave, Chloe and Riley when we have time together, rather than thinking and stressing over all the stuff that I need to get done. Having time to focus like this and realize that there is more to life makes me see things about my mom differently.

How did she manage it? Seriously?

This is my support for managing it - Dave…

And at times, few and far between, I know I do the same for him.

It's nice being part of a team that sometimes knows how to see the stress in the other, and pick up the slack in any way possible.

It was crazy trying to keep Riley entertained while waiting for pictures with the Easter Bunny this year. He just wanted to get down and run…

Riley is so active, it takes both of us (and a helpful big sister) to keep an eye on him!

And of course - the finger up the nose!

We've got Chloe in this same pose with Santa Claus…

I love it!

And so many thoughts about times like these where I picture my mom there with us, just cracking up and participating in it all. 

Don't know if she would have really been there, but I like imagining it - seeing her smile, that crinkled nose, hearing her laughter & voice.

Then I try my best to ignore those sad sinking emotions about her not being there for these moments, and just keep those imagined ones close to my heart, because I know that she is there with us...

A Sale To Help Move Items...

I have asked all the artists that make stuff for the My Mom Pattie Etsy shop if they would mind if I ran a 20% off sale in the MMP Etsy shop this next weekend: January 28-30th. 

Everyone thought it was a good idea, so here are the details:

On Friday, January 28th you can use the coupon code "MMP20" to have 20% taken off your order (excluding shipping). The sale ends on Sunday January 30th. 

I think this is perfect timing for Valentines day gifts… 

Even if it is a gift for yourself (you should be kind to yourself - you deserve it - and you will love the jewelry - and it helps me with the room dedication!)

I really want to get the room dedication (or whatever remains) at the Tri-State Bird Rescue taken care of in February. So this will be a last hurrah for collection for this "cause".

Because all of the artists keep the finished pieces in their possession until it sells, all the items will ship from the various artists individually after the sale is over. If you ordered multiple items from the same artist - then I will send you a refund for the extra shipping charges via paypal. You can always select "other" as a form of payment and I can send you an updated invoice as well.

If you want to grab a button for your blog or website for this event, visit:
http://marshanealstudio.blogspot.com/p/buttons-for-blogs.html

Look for more items to be added to the shop in the next couple of days!

Thank you!!!
Oh, and just FYI - purchases through the MMP shop automatically get you entered to a drawing I have over on my Marsha Neal Studio Specials Blog for January.

A Little Of My Mom At Christmas...

Christmas was my mom's absolute favorite time of the year…

Come October, the Christmas music came on and Christmas scents could be smelled throughout the house - usually starting with cinnamon scents to keep with the fall holidays as well…

Here are just a couple of her Byer's Choice Figures that I kept for myself that we put out every year for her…

They fit perfectly on top of the piano, right next to the tree...

She had SO many of these figures. Most of them stored now in bins.
Her favorites were from Williamsburg and Christmas collections...

Two Williamsburg figures and doorway...

Two Santa figures that Dave had bought for me: The Chocolate Santa and the Blue Santa that was the last Santa my mom received (we buried her with one just like this - kinda weird, I know…) 

And two Christmas figures selling toys...

She always wanted to spend some time during the Christmas season down in Williamsburg, VA.
Maybe one day we will make a family trip there…
I think you have to plan years in advance for something that goes on with the lighting of something (lanterns, trees, something special she had mentioned… Will have to do some research online…)

A Mother's Son...

I always knew there was a special bond between my mom and my brother…

There was something they shared, that I just didn't get…

I don't think I ever will because that was something very special between the two of them.

And that is ok with me.

It always has been.

There was never jealousy about it - just rolling eyes and laughter…

People tell me that there is something special about a mother and a son that just isn't the same with a mother and a daughter…

I'm not quite sure that I get that entirely yet. Don't know if I ever will…

I know things come in time and with experiences…

It is amazing how your heart swells with love and happiness when you hold your children…

And when your children want to hold you back.

I have that with both Chloe and Riley and I hope that never changes.

My brother always loved to be close to my mom.

Even when she was in the hospital with her Leukemia, I would come in to visit her and he would be sitting there, in bed next to her - arm around her, snacking on goodies (tootsie rolls, twizzlers, and Lorna Doone cookies mostly) and watching TV. And you could tell that she loved every doting moment of it… As only a mother could… Well, not only a mother… I saw how happy it made my mom to have him there treating her normally - just as if they were hanging out at home, watching the television late night when he was little… And that filled my heart with such peace. Always will...

My mom was the kind of mom that would sit with you and just rub your back.

That is one of the little things I miss most about her not being around - that gentle, effortless, comfortable contact that only my mom could give…

Tonight, Chloe curled up on me as if she were a baby as we sat down to a very rare moment of family TV time. She has not done that in a while. She is quite the independent almost 3 year old. I could have held her there in my arms laying upon me forever, just rubbing her back and cuddling with her…

Then tonight as Riley needed to be rocked back to sleep, I just sat rocking him, humming softly to him, listening to his night time music, and just gazed upon his little sleeping face in the dimly lit room and thought to myself - if only my eyes had cameras to hold his baby face here in my memory…

Then I remembered that I had taken this picture not that long ago during a daytime nap when he fell asleep in my arms…

I wonder if this is how it starts.

That bond between a mother and a son…

Only time will tell...

Keeping Warm...

I was given some old pictures the other week by my dad and amongst them were these pictures of my mom and me...


She was in her early 20's. I must've been 2.5 or 3.5 years old...


Chloe looks about this age now, and she is almost 3...

This was the first house I lived in, and the last for our family of four before they got divorced.

My dad built that fireplace for us...

My Grandma Neal told me that she remembered going to the house and seeing the huge hole in the wall my dad made to build it. Not that she worried about it, he could manage - we are a family of masons...

There are a lot of old pictures to share. I just thought this was appropriate since the cold weather is settling in...

-- Pictures Taken With & Posted From My iPhone

I've Been Having A Lot Of Dreams...

It's weird to think about dreams…

Are they a connection?

Are they your thoughts festering and swirling into something… real?

Should they be acted upon?

I am a quite emotional person…

I connect mostly through my heart, then my head…

It seems my head does not like to pay attention though (or maybe it pays too much attention…)

There have been many dreams that have woken me and stay with me through the day, not to be shaken off.

This one dream I had about my mom a couple of weeks ago was weird…

I am  not a horror film fan - not the really scary ones.

Growing up with older sisters that loved them, I would watch through fingers covering eyes curled up on the couch next to them as to not have to be playing alone somewhere else in the house at night.

They loved zombie movies… I hate the sounds from those… they make it worse…

Shaun of the Dead - well, that's an exception. That is the funny horror you can watch after seeing Night of the Living Dead…

Can you see where I am going with this?

Let me tell you that my brain in my dreams makes me stop. That young self voice says "No - this isn't real. Not possible. Not going to picture it. Don't want to see it". And usually it works…

I say zombies, but I think it's more of thinking about bodies after decomposing. Like on some of the television shows (we love Bones… but cannot snack during it).

Ok, so in this dream… In a brightly illuminated tan stone corridor with arching doorways covered with flowering vines (quite relaxing place actually - birds singing, warmth from the sun),

My mom's body was being moved from where it was put to rest.

She was under a sheet on a stretcher, not in a coffin.

I was with Dave… I couldn't look as they wheeled her by.

I was scared to see her, because it has been a few years, and that image, my brain just fought me on.

It rationalized, in the voice of a scientist, that bodies are so well preserved now that decomposition takes quite a long time…

Then I hear the most trusted voice I know: Dave's voice says, look - look Marsha, she is fine. Just looks like she is sleeping. As I look and the white sheet billows off of her. She is in a white plain dress, hands laying together across her stomach. Beautiful as ever.

So we go over and I start to cry in sadness…

But then she starts to wake up. She is a bit drowsy, but totally normal.

I can't remember if she said hi to me, because she asked for my sister as she turned her head and searched the room...

"Where is your sister? Is Teren ok?"

"Yes mom, Teren is fine. She is with the kids…" (thanks for asking about me!?)

"Oh, crap. Hey Mom - I had another baby… a boy…"

That got her attention, and instantly a baby appeared - not either of mine, but maybe my brother's daughter. And she started to talk to the baby with baby talking tones and was just so delighted…

Then I woke up in a whirl.

I was bothered because I was so in tune with my fears and sorrow that I almost forgot to tell her about Riley. She knew about Chloe in the hospital when she was sick…

A bit put off that she was asking about my sister. It was as if she had to continue to be overly sympathetic towards her for some reason. Maybe because my sister has always been a home body (never could spend the night at slumber parties, camp, etc.). Me - no problem there…

Maybe because I feel that my mom pulled Teren to her "side" against our dad growing up - and they have not talked in 2/3 of her lifetime, and she has persistent issues with people & relationships in her life. I feel that she has always tried to replace our dad with one of my mom's husbands. And has been let down each time because the relationship ended. Me, I just saw them as the person that my mom loved and it was her boyfriend or husband. Not a father. I have my dad…

So anyway… back to my mom asking about my sister…

A few days later in real life, after I got over my rejection feeling, I started to think: Is she ok? What is going on with her?

She has been having issues ever since my mom passed. Issues with my mom's physical things. Things that we moved with (over 20 moves growing up in a divorced, single mom, renting houses life) that always stayed with us. Things that still remain in her former husband's house. Her former husband is remarried…

Now see, this is where my brain rationalizes things. Thank you brain!

When my mom died, he said to us: "go through your mothers closet and drawers, but take nothing from the house. Nothing comes off the walls, nothing gets removed. I am the husband, I get everything" then proceeded to walk away and get another drink…

Background in my head tells me: ok, when his mother passed away not too long ago (when he and my mom first met), relatives came out of the woodwork and started to take things from her house. Things would just go missing. So he did not want to have that happen again. I get it.

He and I had many (repeat) conversations on the phone about situations, feelings, blah, blah, blah. Not to be rude, but did I mention they were repeated conversations - again, and again, the same conversation we had the day before for hours… This went well on for almost a year… Almost. Towards the end I got sick of hearing him say "f… your sister, who the h… does she think she is… this is my house, my stuff… your mom had nothing before she met me… I gave her everything… She had the best life because of me - I gave her everything she could ever want".

And to that end, I just say: ok… whatever you think. There is no arguing with you, because you don't care to consider other peoples feelings or what they might be going through. Yes, it is ALL about you.

Sorry, getting side tracked back to emotions I cannot stand to have to think about or deal with. My life has moved on. I have more things to concentrate my time on. My kids, my husband, my life…

So my sister having these physical possession issues… Well, she cannot let things go enough to be satisfied with having the things that were given to us all as time has passed and the house has been gone through to remove my mother's things. There are things still there. Things that hold memories for my sister. These memories hold her to my mom. They hold her to the emotions that my mom would have expressed - if my mom had not been sick and died. If my mom had been cheated on. But she was not. She got sick and died. She did not get a divorce. Her things are not in a house with someone that should not be with them… My sister's emotions are wrongly placed. And I have been strong in telling her this in the hopes that she can relax a bit and start to let herself heal and let go. Not happening...

So after this dream, I realized: no, my sister is not ok. I hear you mom…

Or rather, I hear my sister. I hear the pain in her voice. I hear the anger. I realize she is not where she could be in her life if she could just let go. But because she cannot, then I must figure out something… because I cannot go through my life with her like this. And she is my sister, and I love her. And I am willing to try to put this to rest - regardless of the outcome.

So this is what I did. I reached out. I sent a message to my mom's widower's new wife. I asked her if it would be ok to send her some pictures of some things that were my mom's that may still be in the house. And if they were going to be redecorating, please consider allowing me to have the things, because they were things from growing up, some things from my father's father given to my mom when my sister and I were little. Now mind you, these photos were from when we were going through my mom's closet & drawers. My sister, even back then wanted to take things. But I told her: you have to respect his wishes. Take my camera and go around and photograph the things of mom's that you would want if he ever decides to get rid of things.

So the message (thank God for FaceBook) was sent with all hopes for a reply. I heard back the next day with an open heart message from her. Can I just say that I was delighted and relieved…Because things are ok. There is no "issue". That things tend to get worked up in your brain so much, that reality tends to disappear, and complications settle into place. That simply just asking a favor can relieve so much stress.

And to me, it's not about just getting my mom's things so my sister can find peace in her life. It's because of something she wrote… something that I will keep personal because it is best kept within family. But I will say, that Dave and I will be meeting up with them sometime to introduce them to Chloe and Riley. Because really, if mom hadn't died, they would've known him as their "grandfather". And his new wife, well, she has put one of my mom's greatest fears to rest… that he would be all alone. And that deserves a lot of thanks. It makes me so happy that they have found each other.

I would love it if people would just take a moment out their lives to see how one little thing they could do for someone else, can make that other person's life so much happier. Really… it's not that hard to do. Just one little thing each day… Not to solve the problems of the world - but rather to make life more livable and to smile just a bit more...