It's weird to think about dreams…
Are they a connection?
Are they your thoughts festering and swirling into something… real?
Should they be acted upon?
I am a quite emotional person…
I connect mostly through my heart, then my head…
It seems my head does not like to pay attention though (or maybe it pays too much attention…)
There have been many dreams that have woken me and stay with me through the day, not to be shaken off.
This one dream I had about my mom a couple of weeks ago was weird…
I am not a horror film fan - not the really scary ones.
Growing up with older sisters that loved them, I would watch through fingers covering eyes curled up on the couch next to them as to not have to be playing alone somewhere else in the house at night.
They loved zombie movies… I hate the sounds from those… they make it worse…
Shaun of the Dead - well, that's an exception. That is the funny horror you can watch after seeing Night of the Living Dead…
Can you see where I am going with this?
Let me tell you that my brain in my dreams makes me stop. That young self voice says "No - this isn't real. Not possible. Not going to picture it. Don't want to see it". And usually it works…
I say zombies, but I think it's more of thinking about bodies after decomposing. Like on some of the television shows (we love Bones… but cannot snack during it).
Ok, so in this dream… In a brightly illuminated tan stone corridor with arching doorways covered with flowering vines (quite relaxing place actually - birds singing, warmth from the sun),
My mom's body was being moved from where it was put to rest.
She was under a sheet on a stretcher, not in a coffin.
I was with Dave… I couldn't look as they wheeled her by.
I was scared to see her, because it has been a few years, and that image, my brain just fought me on.
It rationalized, in the voice of a scientist, that bodies are so well preserved now that decomposition takes quite a long time…
Then I hear the most trusted voice I know: Dave's voice says, look - look Marsha, she is fine. Just looks like she is sleeping. As I look and the white sheet billows off of her. She is in a white plain dress, hands laying together across her stomach. Beautiful as ever.
So we go over and I start to cry in sadness…
But then she starts to wake up. She is a bit drowsy, but totally normal.
I can't remember if she said hi to me, because she asked for my sister as she turned her head and searched the room...
"Where is your sister? Is Teren ok?"
"Yes mom, Teren is fine. She is with the kids…" (thanks for asking about me!?)
"Oh, crap. Hey Mom - I had another baby… a boy…"
That got her attention, and instantly a baby appeared - not either of mine, but maybe my brother's daughter. And she started to talk to the baby with baby talking tones and was just so delighted…
Then I woke up in a whirl.
I was bothered because I was so in tune with my fears and sorrow that I almost forgot to tell her about Riley. She knew about Chloe in the hospital when she was sick…
A bit put off that she was asking about my sister. It was as if she had to continue to be overly sympathetic towards her for some reason. Maybe because my sister has always been a home body (never could spend the night at slumber parties, camp, etc.). Me - no problem there…
Maybe because I feel that my mom pulled Teren to her "side" against our dad growing up - and they have not talked in 2/3 of her lifetime, and she has persistent issues with people & relationships in her life. I feel that she has always tried to replace our dad with one of my mom's husbands. And has been let down each time because the relationship ended. Me, I just saw them as the person that my mom loved and it was her boyfriend or husband. Not a father. I have my dad…
So anyway… back to my mom asking about my sister…
A few days later in real life, after I got over my rejection feeling, I started to think: Is she ok? What is going on with her?
She has been having issues ever since my mom passed. Issues with my mom's physical things. Things that we moved with (over 20 moves growing up in a divorced, single mom, renting houses life) that always stayed with us. Things that still remain in her former husband's house. Her former husband is remarried…
Now see, this is where my brain rationalizes things. Thank you brain!
When my mom died, he said to us: "go through your mothers closet and drawers, but take nothing from the house. Nothing comes off the walls, nothing gets removed. I am the husband, I get everything" then proceeded to walk away and get another drink…
Background in my head tells me: ok, when his mother passed away not too long ago (when he and my mom first met), relatives came out of the woodwork and started to take things from her house. Things would just go missing. So he did not want to have that happen again. I get it.
He and I had many (repeat) conversations on the phone about situations, feelings, blah, blah, blah. Not to be rude, but did I mention they were repeated conversations - again, and again, the same conversation we had the day before for hours… This went well on for almost a year… Almost. Towards the end I got sick of hearing him say "f… your sister, who the h… does she think she is… this is my house, my stuff… your mom had nothing before she met me… I gave her everything… She had the best life because of me - I gave her everything she could ever want".
And to that end, I just say: ok… whatever you think. There is no arguing with you, because you don't care to consider other peoples feelings or what they might be going through. Yes, it is ALL about you.
Sorry, getting side tracked back to emotions I cannot stand to have to think about or deal with. My life has moved on. I have more things to concentrate my time on. My kids, my husband, my life…
So my sister having these physical possession issues… Well, she cannot let things go enough to be satisfied with having the things that were given to us all as time has passed and the house has been gone through to remove my mother's things. There are things still there. Things that hold memories for my sister. These memories hold her to my mom. They hold her to the emotions that my mom would have expressed - if my mom had not been sick and died. If my mom had been cheated on. But she was not. She got sick and died. She did not get a divorce. Her things are not in a house with someone that should not be with them… My sister's emotions are wrongly placed. And I have been strong in telling her this in the hopes that she can relax a bit and start to let herself heal and let go. Not happening...
So after this dream, I realized: no, my sister is not ok. I hear you mom…
Or rather, I hear my sister. I hear the pain in her voice. I hear the anger. I realize she is not where she could be in her life if she could just let go. But because she cannot, then I must figure out something… because I cannot go through my life with her like this. And she is my sister, and I love her. And I am willing to try to put this to rest - regardless of the outcome.
So this is what I did. I reached out. I sent a message to my mom's widower's new wife. I asked her if it would be ok to send her some pictures of some things that were my mom's that may still be in the house. And if they were going to be redecorating, please consider allowing me to have the things, because they were things from growing up, some things from my father's father given to my mom when my sister and I were little. Now mind you, these photos were from when we were going through my mom's closet & drawers. My sister, even back then wanted to take things. But I told her: you have to respect his wishes. Take my camera and go around and photograph the things of mom's that you would want if he ever decides to get rid of things.
So the message (thank God for FaceBook) was sent with all hopes for a reply. I heard back the next day with an open heart message from her. Can I just say that I was delighted and relieved…Because things are ok. There is no "issue". That things tend to get worked up in your brain so much, that reality tends to disappear, and complications settle into place. That simply just asking a favor can relieve so much stress.
And to me, it's not about just getting my mom's things so my sister can find peace in her life. It's because of something she wrote… something that I will keep personal because it is best kept within family. But I will say, that Dave and I will be meeting up with them sometime to introduce them to Chloe and Riley. Because really, if mom hadn't died, they would've known him as their "grandfather". And his new wife, well, she has put one of my mom's greatest fears to rest… that he would be all alone. And that deserves a lot of thanks. It makes me so happy that they have found each other.
I would love it if people would just take a moment out their lives to see how one little thing they could do for someone else, can make that other person's life so much happier. Really… it's not that hard to do. Just one little thing each day… Not to solve the problems of the world - but rather to make life more livable and to smile just a bit more...
