Feeling Alone Again...

Recently I've found that I am getting quite angry and upset...

A bit more often than I would like to admit.

I find I'm in a vicious cycle with myself and even with people that don't even know they are a target of my darkening heart.

And I have come to the conclusion that no matter what...

Nobody will ever be able to fill my mom's shoes...

I will never feel as special to someone else as I did when my mom would tell me how proud of me she was.

Never feel as important to someone as when my mom and I would share moments, dreams, jokes, stories, and time together.

Never feel okay to feel bad and cry as I could with my mom when I was upset.

Even if I never told her why...

Her arms around me holding tight,

kissing my forehead,

rubbing my back,

telling me it would all be okay...

Never to be had again.

I am not looking for a replacement mom.

My mom is physically gone.

I keep looking for her within others, but she is not there.

And this is where my self forming anger is coming from...

From my disappointment in the lack of her presence in those around me.

For the simple reason that without her here - even surrounded by family and friends...

I just feel alone.

Don't get me wrong, there are glimpses of her...

But she is not here...

And it is not up to others to make my life easier - it is up to me.

So I need to try to give others a break and be a little less toxic at times.

Even if you try (and please don't give up trying) to make me feel better,

Just know that it is going to take me a bit to work through this...

I think this must be how anyone with a loving mom must feel when mom is gone.

Mom would tell me that it is okay to feel like this...

I just don't know when it is going to go away...

Lenten Rose is here...

This is a picture of a Hellebore Plant called Lenten Rose that I took yesterday in my garden.

This plant is very special to me.

It was exactly 2 years ago my mom was battling Leukemia.

During a short time when she was at home, I wanted to cheer her up a bit, and I bought a couple of these plants for her back porch along with some pansies.

The plan was to give her as much beautiful stuff to look at to keep her spirits high.

At that point she was still at the "why is this happening to me" phase.

We did not know at that point that my Uncle Fred was a stem cell donor match for her.

We weren't pregnant with Chloe yet.

We were all dealing with her being so sick, and having to settle into our reversed rolls of taking care of her and letting her know it would be okay.

So this plant that goes into flower so early, the Lenten Rose, is in my garden and every year it comes out early to help get me through the bleak winter - that spring is right around the corner.

It's like a bit of my mom here with me...

Giving encouragement...

Letting me know that she is still here in everything I see...

Through me too because I came from her body...

Something I now understand in my heart because I have become a mother myself...

That we are always connected, no matter what...

It is in this that I find peace.

I know that there is a heaven.

And that things will be okay no matter what happens in this life.

And no matter what you believe in, that as long as you believe in something - your heart will show you the way to peace.

Mom's Santa

Here is my mom's santa that always sat outside our front door to greet guests and delivery persons from Thanksgiving through Christmas. 

This was one of the only things that I really wanted to have that was my mom's...

I used to tell Dave that by the time I was 21 I had moved more times than years I had been alive.

 I bet this Santa has moved around just as much... I wonder where he will be in years to come?

Love having him here to greet our guests!

Oops - wrong blog...

Oh crap.... You know I'm medicine head when I post my Marsha Neal Studio info on my blog for my mom...

Hey mom, look what I did...

MarshaNealStudio.Etsy.com

My Etsy shop is set up - Finally!

I can't believe how long it takes to get it pulled together - just the background info and policies. No items yet, but that should happen as soon as I get a cool background, the pieces, camera then item descriptions together. So like another billion years maybe... hopefully not. I've got some fun pieces to put up, and don't have time to fool with my actual website shopping cart since both Dave and I are head cold sick right now.

Here is a link to my Etsy shop so far. If anyone has any comments or advise - please let me know. I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this one (and as medicine head, trying to fend off this cold!)

http://www.MarshaNealStudio.Etsy.com

Christmas Stuff Dec 5th

In our family room we have a larg wall unit entertainment system, and in it we have a place for mom's picture along with a seasonal Byers Choice Ltd from her collection that I have.

The last time my mom and I had a good day out was in October 07 just before she started to get sick from Leukemia. We went on a day long bus trip to the Byers Choice Ltd factory in Doylestown, PA then spent the afternoon shopping in Peddler's Village. I think we made 3 trips back to the bus with armloads of bags. The whole time giggling and saying how we were going to have to drive back up there because there is SO much stuff to look at and buy! This tree was one of the things I got that day. We had a lot of fun that day. I'm very happy to have that as my last really good memory with just me and mom. Thanks to Joy for giving me your ticket for the bus trip that day!

Ok, this is pretty funny. Dave and I both have our stockings from when we were little. I just about peed my pants when I saw his for the first time when we were decorating for Christmas in our first house together. I thought it was pretty funny that his was so much bigger than mine -seeing as how he towers a good 1'2" over me...

By the way, Teren, I found yours in a box of Decorations from Mom's house (yours actually has the broom bristles).

So when I saw this stocking, I felt the need to make it for Chloe. So here it is - just finished it up last weekend just in time to do our annual Christmas decorating on the weekend after Thanksgiving.

I hope she keeps it for years to come and treasures it and the memories it holds. That's what stockings are for really - holding memories of Christmas as a child...

November Thanks!!

Some days I can't help but see things as something my mom has sent for us to enjoy.

This is a picture looking out my back door on November 21st

which happens to be my sister's birthday.

What a nice gift for her...

A reminder of how much my mom absolutely loved this time of year.

The holidays were her favorite.

And to get snow early like this was extra special.

She used to sing White Christmas all the time...

And around here, a snow covered any holiday - whoopee!

Thanks for the snow mom!

It was beautiful - especially laying on the tree branches...

Your winter wonderland - in November!